“Do you think I am a closet introvert?”
I found myself asking my husband last night while pondering on my new-found lackoffriend status in my life. A couple of months back, I fell into an ego trap and posted something about an incident involving a couple of friends at work on Facebook *cringed*, I didn not identify anyone and try to make it as general as possible (but …it was an ego trap 😦 ) although I maintain my ‘niat’ was to remind myself (and admittedly the affected people) on why we should not do what had happened. It didn’t go well with one of them who immediately messaged me and said that I had intentionally hurt her with that posting and that she was very disappointed with me. That posting totally changed my life.
The next few weeks after that posting I found myself being isolated – I was no longer invited for lunch, or tea, or anything. On my part, I remain silent, though I posted a formal apology on the same platform. It was quite hurting, being excluded from activities that we used to do together. Then an acquaintance showed me a Whatsapp conversation in a group chat (of which I removed myself weeks earlier) where I was accused, by a person that I think came as close as close friend to me, as ‘kurang kasih sayang/ lack of love’, ‘melampau/ overeacting’, ‘berlakon di depan lelaki/ acting in front of men – to garner sympathy I supposed), ‘tak sedar diri/shameless’ and that I ‘need to be taught a lesson’. My first reaction was actually quite surprising – I said “heh,” and continued my dinner. But those words stuck in my head, and it grew like cancerous, mutant cell. It grew and it affected my life. I heard those words being repeatedly whispered by familiar voices. I saw those groupchat in my mind when I sleep. Worse, I also found out my personal life was being discussed in the open with others. I felt victimised. I felt angry. I felt humiliated. That was the last straw. I dropped everything. Not only with them, but with most colleagues. The speed of how things change from friend to… no-more-friend is staggering. I remain silent the whole time – only to speak of it to my husband and another friend. I was depressed. That friendless feeling grows. The gap between me and others. Trust is a big issue for me. It takes a very long time for me to be okay. I couldn’t trust anyone. I feel so alone.
But God was there. He is here. Despite the growing gap between me and other human, the door to God open widely. I take solace in His word, in reading books, in reciting Al-Quran, in more time with myself, my son and my husband, in doing my work. I became more focus in my workout regime and as a result I lost almost 5 kg (total 10kg in 2013) within 3 months. I eat healthy and I work hard on my health. My blood glucose came down from 6.5 to 5.4 in my recent routine medical examination at the GP. I feel healthier, and at peace.
Now we are on talking term – cautiously watching our words. I am still not invited for private celebration of someone’s birthday or potlucks or anything – but that is alright. I am no longer in that circle. I am now officially a colleague. No longer a friend. That is alright too. I still have my lunch alone, and do most thing on my own. That is alright, I understand that I am more at home being with me. I don’t want to be someone else just so that I don’t feel lonely and feel belong. I belong to me and my God. It doesn’t mean they are bad people. Well, I do still have some sore over the groupchat conversation (they still haven’t apologise!), but..brooding over it just not gonna make me any better. They are the way they are. I could only wish them well.Besides, I started it with my ego, so I guess I do deserve this.
I believe God help us in a way that we could never think of. I remember telling my husband that I wish to be closer to God, that I want to be better that I was in the past. I believe He planned this and create a path for me to turn around and return to Him. Through this hard, depressing event, I learn to depend on myself for peace and solace, and to grow. 
Random Mama 